function Item(saying, person) {
  this.saying = saying;
  this.person = person;
  return this;
  }  

  var quotes = new Array();
  var today = new Date();
  var thisday = today.getUTCDate();


quotes[1] = new Item ("Bing (Crosby) doesn't pay income tax.  He just calls the government and says 'How much do you boys need?'","Bob Hope");
  
quotes[2] = new Item ("My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents... is for everybody to stay in bed all day.  Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out","Robert Benchley");
  
quotes[3] = new Item ("[on accepting an award] I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either.","Jack Benny");
  
quotes[4] = new Item ("By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything.  You only have to remember it.","George Burns");
  
quotes[5] = new Item ("When you come to a fork in the road, take it.","Yogi Berra");
  
quotes[6] = new Item ("I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by","Steven Wright");

quotes[7] = new Item ("If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then quit.  No use being a damn fool about it.","W.C. Fields");
  
quotes[8] = new Item ("One day he [E.J. Kahn, Jr] happened to describe his usual procedure on rising. 'I get out of bed,' he said, 'and throw up and take a shower and shave and have breakfast...' ' You throw up every morning?' 'Of course', Kahn said. 'Doesn't everyone?'","Brendan Gill");

quotes[9] = new Item ("We're overpaying him but he's worth it.","Samuel Goldwyn");

quotes[10] = new Item ("Telegram to C.G.'s agent: 'How old Cary Grant?' C.G.'s reply: 'Old Cary Grant fine.  How you?'","Cary Grant");

quotes[11] = new Item ("Are you going to come along quietly or do I have to use earplugs?","Spike Milligan");
  
quotes[12] = new Item ("It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.","Tom Lehrer");

quotes[13] = new Item ("Remember, men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.","Groucho Marx");

quotes[14] = new Item ("It's not pining, it's passed on.  This parrot is no more.  It's ceased to be.  It's expired.  It's gone to meet its maker.  This is a late parrot.  It's a stiff.  Bereft of life it rests in peace.  It would be pushing up the daisies if you hadn't nailed it to the perch.  It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It's an ex-parrot.","Monty Python's Flying Circus");

quotes[15] = new Item ("Why, I never even knew that he was alive. [On being told that ex-President Coolidge had died]","Dorothy Parker");

quotes[16] = new Item ("The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy","Sam Levenson");
  
quotes[17] = new Item ("There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.","Rex Stout");
  
quotes[18] = new Item ("We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet -- so we bought a dog.  Well, it's cheaper and you get more feet.","Rita Rudner");

quotes[19] = new Item ("I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.","Mae West");

quotes[20] = new Item ("For God's sake don't say yes until I've finished talking.","Darryl F. Zanuck");

quotes[21] = new Item ("It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.","Eugene Ionesco");

quotes[22] = new Item ("I read part of it all the way through.","Samuel Goldwyn");

quotes[23] = new Item ("Gentlemen, you can't fight in here!  This is the War Room.","in the film, <I>Dr. Strangelove.</I>");

quotes[24] = new Item ("I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me","Fred Allen");

quotes[25] = new Item ("We lived for days on nothing but food and water.","W.C. Fields");

quotes[26] = new Item ("'If you don't go to other men's funerals,' he told Father stiffly, 'they won't go to yours.'","Clarence Day");

quotes[27] = new Item ("I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did.  I said I didn't know","Mark Twain");

quotes[28] = new Item ("I don't mind growing old.  I'm just not used to it","Victor Borge");

quotes[29] = new Item ("You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on","Dean Martin");

quotes[30] = new Item ("It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.","Woody Allen");

quotes[31] = new Item ("I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't send one.","Goodman Ace");

  document.write(quotes[thisday].saying + "<BR><CENTER> -- " + quotes[thisday].person );